TL;DR: Is there coffee provided at the meeting?

This is the third in a series of posts by yours truly with the tag “TL;DR”. As you may have surmised by suffering through my blog these past few years, I write. A lot. And I am quite wordy, so when I write a blog post, I spew forth my ramblings onto the keyboard, and then I edit roughly 60-80 percent of it out. But once in a while, I will write something that cannot be edited down. 

And sometimes, it’s a tedious bit of writing that may hold some value for beginning 40k enthusiasts. So begins my tale that many of you may recognize...

The quiet buzz of people who are merely acquaintances dies down as people find their spots in the small circle of folding chairs, and few folks hustle in shaking off coats that smell of cigarettes and cold outdoor air.

The small, unassuming guy with a receding hairline and math teacher glasses approaches the worn podium, the heavy thud of his boots echoing in this Catholic school gymnasium. It's 7:30pm, and the meeting is about to start. The group is small enough that no PA system is needed, so there is no stereotypical whistle of feedback before he begins, just a gentle throat clearing. [read on...]

"Good evening everyone, just a few things before we begin. As I said last week, please do not park in the McDonalds lot; you will get towed. Please find street parking or park in the lot next to the rectory. Also whoever left a pair of leather gloves last week, see me after the meeting...I want to thank you for the free gloves [mild laughter].

"OK, so tonight, we have a little change of pace. After a long dry spell, we have a new member. I had thought our little group consisted of everyone struggling through this challenge, but this should probably be a sign that we may have an influx of new members soon. [some people sympathetically shaking their heads] So without further ado, would the new member please step up to the podium?"

An overweight Asian guy nervously stands up and shuffles up to the podium. The host shakes his hand and silently mouths "you'll be alright" and takes a seat. The Asian guy, clearly in his 40s and wearing his shame in his eyes, lifts his head and starts to talk.

"Hello, everyone, my name is Zero,
["Hi, Zero"]
and I am a model hoarder"

He looks out at the circle of faces, and the sympathy he sees in the eyes above the neckbeards gives him the resolve to continue.

"I wasn't always like this. When I started playing Rogue Trader, I was a college kid with no money for anything, so models were a very dear luxury. Even when I came back to 40k after decades of playing no games that didn't come of a DVD-ROM,  I was limited by my ignorance (of both the rules and of assembling and painting) to purchase extravagantly. I bought what I liked, and I painted them immediately.

"Not too long after that, I found the 40k community on the Internet [more nods of understanding]. Oh, it seemed friendly at first, and I thought I could handle it. A few painting tips here, an army list or two there...but then I got caught up in the hype of every single wave of meta, every model release, every Leafblower/Razorspam/Draigowing flavor of the month, and, well...maybe this picture will be familiar to you:

 

Next time on Hoarders...

"This is just the NIB stuff. I've got NOS and assembled models strewn across my office. I just don't have the heart to put them altogether for a picture of shame. I'm not even sure why I would accumulate these. None of this stuff is special edition except for the Dark Vengeance chaplains.

"The only saving grace is that this hasn't been nearly a strain on the wallet as you'd imagine, but what I saved in money got eaten up in time. Bartertown, Dakka, clearance sales from closing FLGSes...I've been trading models like a commodities broker...the price hike on Storm Ravens was such a huge win for me! Not the mention... [silence and staring]

"Ahem. Sorry, it just gets away from me, sometimes. This company that everyone hates, these overpriced models with ridiculous proportions (why is a guardsman the same height as a Space Marine?), the community that has nothing nice to say about anything. Why is it so compelling that I'm willing to forgo my family, friends, and drugs to sit amongst these sealed boxes?

"I guess that's the point, huh? We have to admit the problem and realize that we are powerless against it. So let me start over."

"Hi, My name is Zero, and it's been 1 day since purchasing my last model. [phone vibrates with a notification "Your Amazon order has shipped"] Dammit!"

THE TWELVE STEPS TO MODEL-HOARDING RECOVERY

1. I admit that I am powerless over that next new Battleforce or 40% off deal. My painting schedule has become unmanageable.
2. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself, namely my wife, can restore me to sanity.
3. I have decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of my spouse, significant other, or a friend outside of the hobby.
4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of my actual painting speed and ability to finish what I start.
5. Admitted to my FLGS owner, to myself, and to another human being that does not sport a black T shirt the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. I am entirely ready to remove all these defects of character, at least until Abnett writes the next Bequin book.
7. I humbly ask that my addition be tempered or that my painting speed increase exponentially.
8. I have made a list of all models I have injured through botched conversions, and became willing to make amends to them all. Maybe I could make them into Chaos spawn...
9. I have made direct amends to such models wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or raise their points cost...or if it would decrease my model count.
10. I have continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it...like the SoB WD insert (It was supposed to be awesome!).
11. I will seek through introspection and meditation to reduce my intake of new models regardless of how cool they are. I will generate lists prior to shopping for models.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I am trying to carry this message to model hoarders, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Except for servitors and servo skulls...you can never have enough of those guys.